Single guy signs
(I wrote this 3 years ago when I was terminally single. Now that I’m married I look back at it and chuckle. Mostly due to how quickly most of this changed. Partially due to the fact that some of it hasn’t.)
You only need to look at my apartment to know that I’m single. There are a number of “single guy signs” that are easy to spot if you know what to look for:
1. My living room has the standard collection of mismatched old curbside couches and folding camp furniture. My TV stand is the plastic tough box that I moved the TV in. I keep a full sized plastic trash can by the couch because I am too damn lazy to walk to the kitchen to throw shit away.
2. Pictures are for women. The walls in my house are decorated with nothing but nicotine stains.
3. My Kitchen, like most kitchens, has a sink, a dishwasher, and cabinets. There are clean dishes in the dishwasher, dirty dishes in the sink, and no dishes in the cabinets. I take clean dishes directly out of the dishwasher and use them until the pile in the sink starts to look like a game of Jenga that I’m really fucking close to losing, and then I load some of them back into the dishwasher, usually without unloading it first. I have some dishes that have been washed thirty times in a row without ever being used and others that have never been washed at all.
4. The stove is spotless, because it’s there for purely decorative purposes. The microwave, however, looks like I blew up a live rodent inside of it…two or three years ago.
5. I have two bathrooms. The one that I use, and the one that I keep for company. The one that I keep for company is spotless, because I never use it. The one that I use looks kind of like somebody shaved a large Muppet in it, and never swept up afterwards. It is the home of what one of my exes has dubbed the “Hell Toilet”. It also houses one of the most impressive collection of porno mags and empty tooth paste tubes that the world has ever seen.
6. Looking inside the cabinet where I store my supplements and vitamins, might give you the impression that I am the healthiest man alive. Looking inside my fridge and pantry might cause you to wonder how I’m actually still alive at all.
7. Dressers and hampers are also for women. I store most of my clean clothes in one big plastic tub, and all of my dirty clothes in another. The tubs are identical in both appearance, and organizational style. The only way to tell them apart is by smell.
8. Clothing is not hung up on hangers after ironing. It is hung up on hangers as an attempt at avoiding ironing.
9. Why buy an ironing board when you have a towel, and a floor?
10. If the idea is blocking the light from outside of the apartment from coming in …what can curtains really achieve that a folded bed sheet nailed over the window can’t?