Copyright © 2012 Shane C Gray. All rights reserved. Poetic Ramblings • Posts Tagged ‘Conversation’

Chatting with the mom

  • Me: Hello.
  • Mom: Are you here?
  • Me: Yuppper...how else would I say hello?
  • Mom: I just saw you, didnt know if you were there or not...how are you?
  • Me: Living and breathing and all that other good shit that two out of three doctors highly recommend.
  • Mom: Breathing is good...and the insomnia?
  • Me: Better...I tried this crazy new thing this morning...called sleeping...It's all the rage right now...I hear all the kids are doing it.
  • Mom: Good for you...and..you're weird.
  • Me: Ummm...thanks. So...whatcha up to?
  • Mom: Waiting for Dad to finish mowing the lawn so we can go get Lady's food at petpro...he said something about the wind outside and why it was so important to do the lawn now.
  • Me: And how is the pup doing?
  • Mom: She is doing well.
  • Me: Good to hear.
  • Mom: Dad just shut off the mower so we gotta go. Why do you look like Fidel Castro?
  • Me: huh?
  • Mom: Bye.
  • (And people wonder why I'm a weirdo)

Conversation of the night

  • Pain is...walking out the door from work and...
  • Probably drunk chick: Hey DJ Guy
  • Me: Yes?
  • Probably drunk chick: Come here...I have something to show you.
  • Me: and that is?
  • Probably drunk chick: Look Down.
  • Me: Wow...your vagina has a moustache!!!
  • Probably drunk chick: Don't you like it?
  • Me: Ummm...hard to say...it's my first hipster vagina. Say...Have you by any chance...had a lot to drink tonight?
  • Definitely drunk chick: Got a bottle of Yeager in my purse.
  • ME: God save me from my few remaining morals...It's been nice meeting umm both of you...have a nice night...call a cab.
  • (In case you are wondering...part of me hates myself right now)

Joan convo #1

  • Shane: Sooooo...I made a very disturbing discovery last night while googling stuff on the zombie film I am in.
  • Joan: yeah?
  • Shane: I did an image search...and my safe search is off...I ran into ZOMBIE PORN!!!
  • Joan: Hahaha I've seen zombie porn before.
  • Shane: THIS SHIT WAS VERY REAL LOOKING...AND THE WOMAN HAD APPARENTLY BITTEN THE GUYS COCK OFF AND WAS CHEWING IT!!!!! It may be a while before I can get that picture far enough out of my head to let someone blow me......yuck.
  • Joan: Hahahaha.
  • Shane: Ohhh sure...laugh at my pain...there was also a photo of a zombie guy eating a woman out....literally.
  • Joan: Hahahaha…still funny.
  • Shane: You could see her pelvic bone.
  • Joan: Gross.
  • Shane: This is why I am a fan of low budget porn...porn should never have the budget for those kinds of special effects.
  • Joan: Hahaha…Amateur is the way to go.
  • Shane: I agree...but you would kind of have to say that right...I mean...knocking amateur would be bad for business...lol.
  • Joan: lol…true…but it's also what I prefer to see, not just participate in.
  • Shane: If it doesn't include corpses eating each other my penis is happy.
  • Joan: Hahahaha.
  • Shane: Right now it's frightened. This comes in the wake of my Clown porn discovery....which is just really fucking creepy…and this is coming from a guy who once got blown by a clown stripper while on acid at a bachelor party.
  • Joan: lol…yeah that shit is disturbing.
  • Shane: Yupper...well...I am headed to the showers...I just feel dirty now. Talk to you later.

Merry Christmas

  • Me: Merry Christmas.
  • Nazar: Happy birthday to Jesus...to you as well.
  • Me: JESUS??? Damn....I was just going to listen to AC/DC "I want a mistress for Christmas", watch "A Christmas Story" 27 times, and eat chinese food at odd hours while waiting for a mythical fat man to bring me goodies. NO ON TOLD ME I HAD TO INVOLVE JESUS IN THIS!!!
  • Nazar: The fat man isn't real kid. Who else did you think was going to be involved? A big ass rabit with a basket full of eggs?
  • Me: That would just be silly.
  • Nazar: Well the rabbit layed the eggshimself...what do you mean silly? He's real I tell ya!!!
  • Me: Well...that is just gross and unnatural.
  • Nazar: Blame hallmark.
  • Me: I thought they were to blame for the big dumb pedophile with the diaper fetish that shot people with arrows and made them believe that other people were worth trusting with your heart.
  • Nazar: Same evil lord I'm afraid.
  • Me: Ahhhh...so they are forming a monopoly then...isn't there some sort of anthropomorphic anti-trust law to deal with this sort of thing?

Comedy pre-show rituals

  • Me: Probably going to grab a cheap pizza in a few...maybe watch a movie...work on my comedy set...care to join?
  • Chris: Just got home, just ate, working on my set right now…need space.
  • Me: So...your answer is “No...I'm a boring robot asshole who is too stuck in his own routine and has already eaten.” Gotcha.
  • Chris: Kind of…I do have some pretty specific pre-show routines.
  • Me: I forgot that you need sixteen hours of personal time wrapped in Buffalo hides…in a cave behind a water fall…masturbating to golden girls reruns...before each comedy show. That B. Arthur…she is a sexy one…lol.
  • Me: I should know all of this by now…my bad for asking.
  • Chris: s’all good.
  • Me: Sacrifice a street mime while you're at it...I find it helps. Even if there are no gods of comedy to accept it....how could slaughtering street mimes not put a smile on your face?
  • Chris: I'll keep that in mime.
  • Me: If there is a pun hell for stand-up comedians...you are going there for that one.
  • Chris: hahahaha.
  • Me: I imagine it would be something like watching Tom Paris do long sets for the rest of eternity with Nolan as his opener...and Carrot top as the featured act.
  • Chris: I could watch Carrot Top…he's really not THAT bad.
  • Me: I meant...steroid Carrot top. Back when he looked like he was sitting around drinking roid cocktails and beating off on red meat with Tony Little and Joe Piscopo.
  • Chris: Meh, it's not Mencia.
  • Me: Hey....Give Carlos Mencia some credit...he has stolen from some of the funniest comedians in the business …at least he has taste 
  • Chris: yeah, I’ve got nothing but contempt for Mencia.
  • Me: Wellllll duh! It's like saying that Dane Cook is still funny because he has great delivery...even if he does steal his jokes...no...that doesn't mean he is a funny comedian...that just makes him a good actor...big difference.
  • Chris: yeah…anyway…I'm gonna get back to masturbating into an ox corpse…see you at the show.
  • Me: Sure…just make sure to wash your hands.

Does Italian food have real Italians in it?

  • Me: Why are you tagged in a restaurant menu...was someone implying that you are "unique Italian cuisine"....that seems to be the phrase your name shows up over.
  • Jenn: It was an italian restaurant from NJ.
  • Me: Ahhhh...so you're only edible in the garden state then....gotcha. I knew that your last name was Italian...but I was not aware that Jersey had cannibalism
  • Jenn: No... I'm just from NJ and so is Eric...lol...he was rubbing it in mine and my sisters face that he went there.
  • Me: Ahhhh....sooo it was snobbery....which is kind of like a more social version of eating your own kind.
  • Jenn: Well...yeah.
  • Me: Sorry...I'm in a bit of a strange mood...but either way...I bet you would taste fantastic with garlic.

Think fast…

Some of you may know that I am a contract DJ by trade…as well as a comedian…an actor…and a freelance writer. I was contracted to work in a gay bar this past Saturday running a karaoke show…which doesn’t bother me in the least…my boss sends me out there because it’s never a problem for me. The regulars there know that I am straight…the ones that flirt with me aren’t really serious about it…we got an out of town group in though…and one of the regulars asked me to sing a Madonna song…which could have been misleading. When I was done there was a man standing there looking at me….I ended up in one of those awkward conversations where you have to think really fast about how to get your point across without being an asshole:

Customer: well hello there.

Me: Hi…would you like to sing a song?

Customer: Would you like me to buy you a drink?

Me: Thanks but I don’t drink…would you like to do a karaoke song?

Customer: how about something to eat then?

Me: They don’t serve food here….how about that song?

Customer: I was thinking more along the lines of breakfast.

Me: Sorry…I have an early day tomorrow…are you sure you wouldn’t like to sing?

Customer: You sure have a one track mind.

Me: Apparently I’m not the only one sir.

Customer: What I have is a really big dick.

Me: Ummmm….does it sing?

He looked kind of baffled for a second and then asked if I was straight…I said yes…he said he understood…he even asked if he could buy me a soda or something for the misunderstanding. He then told me that no part of his body was interested in singing karaoke.