Ever seen an obnoxious late night infomercial host who seems to be on every channel and thought “I wish someone would just kill this guy?” Well here’s your chance to see it. Info-Murder is a Dark comedy short by Director Jordan Robinson and Producer Gregory Jackson that parodies infomercials in the style of Vince Offer and the late Billy Mays. This film stars actor Shane Gray (Abraham Lincoln vs zombies, Breaking at the edge) as the TV infomercial host you just can’t seem to get rid of…unless you kill him. the voice over at the end is also done by Shane Gray. (This film is a parody and claims no rights to the products used in this video. All rights to these products revert to the patent holders of said products.)
Saw a Hoover vacuum cleaner today that said it had “Pet Rewind” on it. How does one rewind a pet? Is there a button you can press that puts the hair back on the dog?
So…who’s enjoying a nice alcoholic beverage tonight? WELL FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
I’ve been sober for 5 years now. No alcohol and no drugs. Of course I didn’t do this because I wanted to. I did it because I’m a mean ass blackout drunk and I’m allergic to prison… rape gives me hives.
For those of you who don’t know what blacking out is…it’s when your soul passes out, and your consience passes out…but your body keeps rampaging on like a weapon of mass destruction that was fired off with a faulty guidance chip…and all of the sudden every human being in the room starts looking alarmingly like a school house in Baghdad.
A lot of people think the worst part about being a blackout drunk is never knowing what you did, or never knowing where you are when you wake up, or the vicious beatings you can’t remember taking, or waking up in police custody, or possibly the vicious beating you are taking when you wake up in police custody. It’s none of these things.
The worst part is the fucking voicemails.
See…you never know how long you’ve been under, could be a day, could be a week, could be a month, and there’s always the voice mails. They normally say something like: “I’m Pregnant”, or “You have AIDS now”, or “You son of a bitch this is the last time you do this to me, I’ve kicked you out of the house, Changed the locks and burned all of your shit as a sacrifice to the gods of fuck off and die”, or “THE COPS FOUND THE COCAINE”.
One of the worst ones is the voicemail explaining why you mysteriously find yourself in the hospital: “Someone cut off your dick…but it’s okay…we found it…in your ass. Anyway the doctor did a great job on the stitching.. Apparently he worked his way through college repairing doll clothes so he’s really good at sewing small things back together. He says you’ll hardly be able to tell in like 19 weeks.”
Even worse is the family intervention phone call: “Honey…we know what’s going on so don’t even try and lie to your mother. We’re sending you to a zen recovery center in the himalayas for 9 months where they’ll heal your fractured soul through the power of crystals, chant away those awful addiction demons, and give you endless warm yak milk ememas for no apparent reason at all. Feel better…Love mom.”
Having been through versions of…well…pretty much all of these I decided it was about time to straighten my ass out before I ran into every alcoholics worst nightmare…the voice mail that keeps us all awake at night with our tiny Jack Daniels bottle night light turned on…the dreaded combination voicemail:
“YOU SON OF A BITCH…I’M PREGNANT…WE ALL HAVE AIDS…THE COPS FOUND THE COCAINE THAT WE SOLD THE HOUSE FOR…AND SOMEBODY CUT YOUR DICK OFF…I HOPE ZEN MONKS RAPE YOU WITH A YAK…Love mom.”
(This is just me field testing a new comedy routine…so try not to get too upset)
WELCOME TO BIGOTRY BURGER…MAY I HATE YOUR ORDER PLEASE?
I have either read, or heard at least 25 rants about Chic-Fil-A over the last couple of weeks…I have even posted one of the graphics myself…but I am getting a little bit tired of people lecturing me about how every time I buy a Chic-Fil-A I’m eating bigotry and hatred. I have a few things to say Here:
1) I haven’t eaten Chic-Fil-A sandwich in like 10 months so you are preaching to the choir folks.
2) Bigotry and hate must be the ultimate Chicken marinade…because Goddamn those sandwiches are yummy.
3) Please recognize that I have been foregoing tasty goodness longer than most of you have even known there was an issue (Mostly because my friend/roomie Chris is big time into the gay rights movement and filled me in). I share your beliefs on this issue…but if you keep it up I am going to bring a Chic-Fil-A family pack to the next Pride fest planning meeting just to say fuck you. Every time you give me one of your lectures…I just get hungry okay? That’s like walking up to a newly recovered junkie and yelling “CRACK IS BAD!!!" over and over again. All he’s really hearing is "CRACK….CRACK….CRACK.” Consider me in Hate-Sandwich Anonymous and stop reminding me of my addiction.
4) Try to see the irony in a guy named Cathy crusading against gay rights and cut him a little slack. The poor man is named Cathy…he’s probably been getting gay jokes his entire life…and he’s straight.
5) If you want to do something really productive…buy one of their businesses with out mentioning your sexual orientation…and then change the sign to "Chic-For-Gay". You can put cows in drag on your sign, and actually spell shit properly. That would have a bigger effect on things than a mountain of petitions and a hundred boycott rallies…and if they try to sue you? EVEN BETTER…HELLO TV NEWS!!!
(I am not implying that every gay man is a drag queen with item five…I just think it would be a nice little fuck you…lol)
For all of the people out there expressing their moral outrage and joining in on a Daniel Tosh feeding frenzy I offer this classic George Carlin routine. In this routine Carlin starts off discussing 1st amendment rights, moves on to people telling comedians what they can and can’t joke about, and runs into the subject of rape. He very clearly says in this routine that rape is hilarious…much like Tosh did…but as he unravels the routine he gets into the bullshit excuses that men use to justify rape…takes the female side on the issue of women’s clothing not being an excuse for rape…makes fun of rapists and their apparent lack of standards…and makes a very important point about being able to joke about anything as long as the joke is constructed well enough. By the end of the routine you see that he is not pro-rape, and not some simple sexist pig who is just in it to harass women. You get to see all this because he was allowed to finish the damn joke…Tosh wasn’t. Daniel Tosh’s joke might have turned out to be just as iconic as this routine (one of the most famous jokes Carlin ever made) but we will never know because he was cut off. What people are judging isn’t his “Rape Joke”…it’s the way he handled the heckler who busted up his routine. I am not going to defend his response to this heckler but I will say as a comedian that we have all been in situations where we had to respond to a heckler and it got very ugly. There is no script for off the cuff responses and they sometimes go horribly wrong.
Having said that I will now say this…anyone who has ever seen me perform knows that I don’t do rape jokes. This is not because people say it’s wrong or tell me I can’t…it’s because I choose not to. I find the subject distasteful. It’s one of the few restrictions I have on what I say….however…I don’t need to like the content of Tosh’s joke (of course I will never know since he never got to make the joke) in order to defend the right to make it. If you go to a comedy show you should expect to hear off color comments made about controversial subjects…either wear your big boy pants and pack your sense of humor…or don’t go.
The lessons to learn here are probably:
1) People who are easily offended shouldn’t go to comedy shows.
2) Comedians talk about social issues as a form of satire.
3) The first amendment protects a comedians right to make a joke no matter how much you dislike it…the first amendment does not just apply to people who say things that you like.
4) Stick to the facts…we were not judging his rape joke because it was never made…we were judging his reaction to a heckler
5) Yes this woman was a heckler. A heckler is by definition someone who stands up and starts yelling to interrupt your routine…which is what she did. It doesn’t matter whether Tosh was talking about rape or my little pony…it is still heckling.
6) If you think you can stand on a stage in front of a few hundred people and deal with a heckler without ever having an off night and pissing someone off…you are probably seriously deluded (but prove me wrong…I dare you.)
7) If you call out a comedian on stage you are calling down the lightning bolts from Zeus…and everybody knows that. We generally do not let it pass as a rule. That is letting the audience control the cadence of your show, and that can ruin your delivery completely. If you let one person get away with it…it will only be a minute or two before another one tries it.
I would like to design/sell a dildo shaped like Kurt Cobain…and call the product “Cum as you are”…sooner or later I’m sure it would smell like teen…ummm…something or other.
I want to invent a butt plug shaped like Bill O’Reilly’s head…I figure…he spends so much time with his head stuck up his own ass….that there must be something appealing about it.
Recent clip Trying some new material…I have since worked some of the bugs out. This clip is about the dumb shit we all say during sex.